Hey Ho

Well as ever its another tough week, I spent most of yesterday in bed, just be be able to meet Emily's basic needs, but then she insisted that I took her to Gymnastics and did her bath.  I had to miss her church service as I was too unwell to get there, she told me not to worry about it, but was disappointed as she had a part in the service, which i didn't know about until after, don't think she did either.

Just as I was taking Emily to school my PA called in sick, so now then there were lots of unexpected jobs to do when I was already struggling.

I can't expect PA to come to work and Rob has to be at work they are fixed, but there are things that need to be done.  So far I have cleaned hamster, done washing, made cereal (didn't get chance yesterday so went without), taken Emily to school, had hair washed, sorted dishwasher although much went back and its gone on again, ordered my bread mixes, cleaned up after Timmy (cat).

It now just before 10am and I am really shattered and feeling rubbish, but still need to sort out shopping order.  Most people if they felt like I do would not get out of bed until they felt stronger and better, I don't have that choice I have to get up and try to get on.  If you think of this as my job, I don't get time off for being ill or for holidays and I have to work overtime if other people are not able to do their bit eg if Barbara doesn't come or you have something on as he does tonight.  Yes I do get a rest during the day, but its through desperate need not choice. 

I feel like I have to keep going, I am the one who gets Emily to do homework, get ready for bed etc, gets her snacks deals with her back chat, gets her ready for activities.  I don't have the time or the energy to do nice things with you or Emily, its always just the necessary boring and tiring stuff and then I can't take her somewhere or play a game cos I am not well enough to concentrate.

I am really struggling with driving I don't feel in control and feel like I am all over the road, mainly cos I have to squeeze through small gaps.  I feel like other drivers are curing me all the time and as for parking no chance.  This car seems harder somehow, its easier to turn, but I have not yet managed to park correctly.  I can't give up driving as its my last shred of independence, but then only driving I do is difficult and to meet other peoples needs not my own.  I also usually have Emily in the car, so its scary.  I am sure I am not dangerous, but it does feel like it and scares me.

I am still struggling post Christmas and there is no time to get back to normal, which is still pretty rubbish.  Everyone else is back to normal so expect me to be too.

My help is supposed to enable me to be a Mum, which I don't feel I am as I can't manage the Mum stuff properly as everyday basics are too much.

Then it comes to the one out of house thing I do for myself Quilting and I probably won't be able to go, its this week and I can't let my PA come back to work as she has a sickness bug so needs to stay away till all her family are clear of it so that Rob doesn't catch it and end up in hospital, due to his own health problems.

Sitting here typing this is making me very dizzy so I need to stop, but due to overdoing it again, I couldn't settle to do what I needed most and relax and rest, but I do have to try that now so I am ok to collect Emily.